40 B Problems, But a Columnist Ain't One

Editor's note: This column is a satire and contains fabricated quotes. 

The world spins, but not around you. ~ Jasper Comstock

Citing the stress level of living next to a development chock full of residents over the age of 50 as being detrimental to their wellbeing, a group calling themselves 40 B Or Not To 40 B, has filed a petition with protesting the construction of the adjacent to the pseudo-upscale

“This is the last thing we need,” said group spokesman Sarah Bellum. “It’s just not fair! We shouldn’t be forced to live in an area teeming with crotchety old men with their pants hiked up to their chests, sporting white bucks with matching belts and bright yellow Lacoste Polo’s. It’ll scare the bejesus out of our kids!”

Adding that postmenopausal women have been known to wreak havoc with anyone within earshot, Ms. Bellum advanced her position, stating, “Hey, I’m no bigot! Some of my best friends are old. Old people are an impotent part of our community. Oh, sorry! I meant to say important – not impotent. Freudian slip! Yeah, what I actually meant to say is that old people are an important part of our community, but who wants to live next door to one of ‘those people’ – never mind an entire development!”

Another woman who chose to remain anonymous stated that she was extremely anxious and fearful about the prospect of living next to Red Mill Village, citing her negative experience with old people while living in a Habitat For Humanity home in an adjoining town.

“The couple next door seemed very nice at first,” she offered, “but after a while things really went downhill. We couldn’t even open our windows because of the odor; you know, the mothballs, Old Spice and Estée Lauder. And then, of course, there was the ‘old people smell’.”

On the other side of the fence, selectwoman Mary Steele apparently feels that the residents of Red Mill Village and the Town of Norton would be the ones getting the short end of the stick if plans for the development were to advance, advising that she feels Norton has a less than stellar history with 40 B developments, while adding, “They scare me,” [it was unclear whether she was referring to the development in general, or the people who would live there]. “They drain public safety and the school system. Why will this be good for Norton and the neighborhood?”

Ah, yes; the old ‘not in my neighborhood’ attitude. It seems we should be past that old bias by now – apparently not!

Make it a great week!

Bob Havey is a freelance writer and a consummate trouble-maker. Check out his author’s page on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Bobfreelance